Week 4 – YES…I Quit Before I QUIT!

I Quit Before I Quit!

I had a pretty bad fight this week. I didn’t realize how strong my opponent really was until I found myself on the mat, begging to be taken out of the game. How did this happen? I thought I had become so much stronger, wiser, and powerful.

But in this moment, I wanted to QUIT! I wanted to surrender. I wanted to cry, shout, wail and wallow in my own defeat. I wanted to replay what happened over and over in my mind incessantly, trying to figure out how I got here…on my back…on the mat…yet again. I wanted to blame the world and everyone in it for my inevitable loss and then it hit me.

I     –    AM     –    NOT  –   POWERLESS!

Even from the mat, I can change it all! It’s a choice and in that moment, I made a decision that would prove that I am FAR greater than my opponent could ever dream of being!


What I didn’t realize was that unless I understand my opponent and its weaknesses, I am not nearly as powerful as I could be.

So who is this opponent? My opponent is my own addiction to being a victim. It started pretty young for me. I dealt with pain, abuse, judgment, invalidation and jealousy from everyone from my siblings and friends to love relationships. I became a people pleaser, determined to do whatever it took to stop the pain even, if it meant abandoning me, my dreams, my gifts and my destiny.  My oppoonent became The Inner ME and it gained strength every time I surrendered and put ME last!

I recently learned the strength and power of our subconscious mind. Did you know that when you experience something painful, traumatic or abusive…especially over an extended period of time, your body develops an addiction to the pain of it?  Yes it’s true.

Let’s imagine you are a woman who is cheated on. When you feel the feelings of betrayal, deceipt and dishonesty, (especially over time), your body secretes a chemical called a peptide that attaches to your cells and literally changes your molecular structure. It charges those cells in a ‘new’ way and those cells begin to crave that new feeling.

Over time, your cells create a craving in your body for ‘more’ of those peptides. It literally creates an addictive response that your brain goes into overdrive to satisfy. That’s why you find yourself looking for evidence of cheating, going through his phone, his computer, his personal belongings, etc. You are determined to find something that will cause those peptides to be released to gives your cells the fix they need.

This isn’t isolated to any one type of experience. ALL of our bodies operate the same way. We ALL have the same reaction to the peptides that we release. Each of us has a different chemical that we are addicted to. Perhaps yours is anger, resentment, jealousy, sadness, or being a victim. Maybe yours is actually being the abuser. Either way, the more those cells are charged with the emotions that feed them the peptides they need, the stronger that addiction becomes and the harder it is to break free from it and live authentically.

This is what is considered your way of thinking, deciding and operating; it’s the blueprint from which you live your life.  This is the very blueprint that I’ve been working diligently to notice and ultimately modify to refect the life I actually want to live.

Without taking an honest look at what you really believe at your core, you are subject to the outcomes that you will subconsiously create. Have you ever done something and now known why? Perhaps it was a belief that is deeply held within you that drove you to make that choice. If you never give yourself the opportunity to evaluate those beliefs you will become a victim of your own subconsious choices.

So back to my battle, I’m on this journey to recreate my blueprint that I live from. And I’ve been observing myself and my thoughts more closely than ever before. But in this last week, I made some choices that were clearly not in my best interest. But they did give me the ‘victim-peptide rush’ that my body so despereately craved. I watched my thoughts spin into a full fledged victim tornado, complete with anger, tears and sleepless nights. I watched myself re-play what happened over and over again getting more and more frustrated at how things turned out. I noticed how I wanted to keep re-living it (and keep that peptide rush going). I think I was on an official peptide binge. HA!

I can laugh about it now because of how ridiculous it was. What made it ridiculous was that these were just my thoughts and I was in complete control of it all and I LET me surrender to it…willingly!

And then I started to hear the passage from The Master Key #3: Eliminate any tendancy to compain of conditions as they have been, or as they are, because it rests with you to change them and make them what you would like them to be.  REALIZE YOUR MENTAL RESOURCES because that is where all real and lasting power will live from!!

What does this mean? I (the spiritual ME) have the power to choose!!! I can choose to stay on that mat and accept my own defeat, or I can change the game completely. I can acknowledge the dance of addiction that is going on inside of me and I can choose to change that game completely. I can recognize the strength and power that lies within me and I can choose to leverage my wisdom and power to OWN that game and make it MY BITCH!

That’s how I won my fight…and that’s the moment that I decided to QUIT giving less than my best on this journey! It’s 100% from here on out.


(Interestingly, the song, “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan is ‘accidentally’ blaring through my Pandora as I write this. There are no coincidences.)

You gotta tell me what you think!

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